New bit

I’m not very funny. You ever get a joke in your head where you think “oh HEY! This would be funny”. And then you tell the joke and it’s not funny at all? That resounding silence. You don’t even get cricket’s chirping for God’s sake, just silence and a look of disappointment from your peers. Sometimes disdain. Yeah that happens to me all the time. Probably…too much. I have the unfunny joke mastered to an art form.

I was at a wedding once. Just once, I don’t get invited to too many weddings. Maybe it’s because of my bad jokes. Anyway it was one of my best friend’s weddings, and I was invited to the rehearsal dinner. I wasn’t actually in the wedding, but I was at the rehearsal dinner. Obviously I was a good friend, but not quite “in the wedding” good. So I was put at a table over in the corner with all of the “good but not quite good enough” friends. A couple of them I knew, and a couple I didn’t. And naturally, we all started drinking. We became the rowdy table. Probably a little louder than the grandma’s and grandpa’s sitting at the table next to us, at least. Well, the dinner proceeds and I have to admit I get pretty drunk. Like, saying random shit drunk. The speeches start. Nothing too special, but after two or three of them I decide I want to give one. Before this it had mostly been parents and the best man…I was the first “friend” to give a speech, though not a “great” friend. Just a “good” friend. Anyway, sorry folks, that speech was just normal. It was pretty good, got some applause, and I got congratulated for it. Nothing funny about that, except I was proud of myself for making a stupid speech. However, I guess I broke the mold because other people started giving speeches. I was pretty proud of myself, being a trailblazer and all. I also continued to drink. And eventually dessert was served. I got the chocolate cake, and…holy FUUUCK was that good chocolate cake. I ate it all like *facial gesture eating cake*. I all of the sudden came up with this idea. The couple’s name was Jon and Rebekah. This cake was amazing. They were amazing together, I gave a pretty good speech before this.

OF COURSE!!! WHAT AN IDEA!!! JON AND REBEKAH ARE AS GOOD AS THIS CHOCOLATE CAKE!! I announce this proudly to the rest of my table. They all chuckle, and that’s enough reassurance I need to give ANOTHER speech. This time just telling everyone about how good the chocolate cake was compared to this couple. I tell everyone I’m about to do it, and just as I am standing up they take me by the tie and drag me back down. I was disappointed, but I passed on fighting back and gave up on the speech.

I thought I had comedic gold, though, so after the dinner was more or less over I went over to my friends at another table. These friends were “good” enough to be in the wedding, so they sat at the long, fancy table. I told them “hey guys, did you have the chocolate cake! Oh god was it good! Listen to this! That cake was so good, I was going to give another speech about how ‘Jon and Rebekah were as good as this chocolate cake!HAHAHAHAHAHA!” See, that’s how…subconsciously, you know the joke sucks. When you have to HAHAHAHAHA afterwards. Laugh at your own joke. They didn’t laugh, so I figured, I’ll tell it again so they got the point. “Jon and Rebekah were as good as this chocolate cake…HAHAHAHAHA!” Still no applause. The more outspoken of the two says “Collin, is that your joke? Go sit back down at your table, you suck almost as much your joke”.

Yeah, fuck that guy.