I am currently listening to the Birthday Cake remix by Rihanna. This is the first time I've actually listened to the song, but I can already tell this is THE worst song ever made.
Yeah, I shouldn't have to mention the main reason the song achieved dubious honors. Chris Brown guest sings in it, and this is a big frickin' deal to entertainment media since it's the first collaboration with the two since Chris Brown beat the crap out of Rihanna in his car.
Since the incident, Chris Brown's public opinion has plummeted, and his PR firm has deftly swept in to adjust and mitigate the damage. Brown originally was marketed as a Hip-hop R&B teenage heartthrob, singing cheery, popp-ish hip hop songs such as Kiss Kiss and Double Your Pleasure. After the incident, Brown sported a new image: getting tatted up, rapping poorly in the properly named "Look at Me Now", and getting into stupid feuds with professional wrestlers over Twitter. Congrats, Chris Brown, in two years you have successfully changed your public appearance from dime-a-dozen teenage heartthrob to dime-a-thousand tatted up rapper guys with a cherub voice. He is scum, his music sucks, and he knows it.
Rihanna's career has enjoyed a change in direction as well. Two years ago, Rihanna acheived a T-Pain level of oversaturation: her trademark "uh uh ohwhowhoawhoa"s being used in nearly every R&B song needing female vocals. Unfortunately, time passed her by, and Nicki Minaj's "edgy" post-modern rap style has taken over what was rightfully Rhianna's.
With both former lover's careers at uncertain nexuses, the two icons of contemporary R&B decided the best way to turn heads would be to collaborate and produce this piece of crap. The lyrics involve licking birthday cake, even though it's not Rihanna's birthday. I don't see the problem in having a cake when it isn't your birthday. I had a piece of cake just last week, and my birthday was just over a month ago.
Whenever someone's act grows stale in the music business, especially when the directed audience is younger and the product is more innocent and radio-friendly, the next move is to make the product risque--show that the singer has a wild side in his or her music. Brittney Spears did it. Christina Aguilera did it (miserably). Justin Timberlake tried to do it. Now Rihanna has done it, along with Chris Brown's turn out of necessity.
Birthday Cake Remix's lyrics talk about how Rihanna is going to make me her bitch with her birthday cake. A motherf*cker is muttered by Brown nonsensically. While Rihanna has subtly been implying her wild side with several previous singles, namely Say My Name with Drake and S&M (a song that creepily references her past abuse by Brown), now we have reached peak scandalous.
Regardless how annoying and droning this song serves to be, the song could be the next greatest thing and it still would be a piece of dog crap. The entire point of this remix is the shock factor of Brown and Rihanna joining together to collaborate, whatever the end product is. I am not usually one to get on my soapbox about women's rights, but the message is horrible here. Chris Brown beat the crap out of Rihanna, and Rihanna justifiably broke up with him over it. The press lauded Rihanna for standing up for herself against Brown's uncalled for motives. This song completely defeats that, especially with the lyrical content about how Brown hasn't "been" with Rihanna in a long time; and how he wants to quickly rectify that. So--yes, girls--if your man beats the crap out of you, be mad at him for a little while. Even break up with him. But come back to him soon and have all the wild sex you can with him. Eat that birthday cake. Rihanna did it, and the press is lapping it up. It must be ok.
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