Fast Five (Film)

Viewed: March 11, finished about 10:00.

Genre: Action

Why did I watch this: It was supposed to be the Rock's best movie.

Was it?: If it was, I never want to watch another movie starring the Rock ever again.

Synopsis: I don't remember. People steal a car and take the chip from it. Vin Diesel's character breaks out of jail with the help of his double agent cop (???) friend. The Rock is tasked to hunt them down. Vin Diesel and Double Agent Cop Friend (DACF) assemble a task of boring actors and Ludacris. Ludacris knows a lot about circuits, whatever that means. Not computer programming, software engineering, electrical engineering, or computers/hardware, just circuits. The Rock decides to help out. They steal a safe by dragging it along with their cars. Get away. Apparently going to use the stolen money for their own selfish reasons.

Highs: The car chase scene with the vault. The jokes I made while watching it. "THIS IS BRA SEEEL"

Lows: Literally everything else. Ludacris knowing about circuits.

Views: A long time ago I watched a movie called A History of Violence, and I thought it was awesome. Somewhere around that same time, I first seriously watched Die Hard: a great action thriller that kept my interest and ranks in or near my top 10 favorite movies of all time. I do not watch a lot of action movies, but I can appreciate one when it feel the desire to watch one. After watching two "Pictures of the Year" in a row, I was ready for something a little less involved and picked this up. It actually lost my interest in ten minutes, and several times I turned on my computer to look at other things throughout the film.

I initially watched this for the Rock, but that turned out to be a bad idea. I have yet to see any of his kids' films, where I'm sure this is not an issue, but the Rock seems to only flourish as an actor when he's about to kick someone's ass. If he's not about to do that, he rushes through his lines and sounds emotionless. My favorite exchange of his that highlights this fact is an exchange with one of his informants.

Informant: "Well I have good news and bad news"

Rock: "Wellyouknowilikemydessertfirst"

I: "Good news"

R: "Oknowgivemetheveggies"

I: "Bad news"

I realize that barely illustrates my point, but if you watch the movie look out for those lines, and you'll understand.

I've never seen a "Fast and the Furious" movie before this one, but I heard this was the best one in the series. They are supposed to be cut throat race car action films, right? This movie was maybe 40% action and 60% talking. All they did was set up their plot and talk. Gun scene, talk, racing scene, talk, 20 minutes discussing and introducing the characters, talk, gadget scene with a remote control car, talk, race around with your car, talk "THES EES BRRA SEEEL", talk, yank the safe out with two cars and race around the city, climax, talk some more, credits.

And of that talking, 80% of the talking was the most over-masculated, nut-flexing gibberish in films. One scene has Vin Diesel and another guy yelling at each other, and then the other guy punches the wall and yells. Another scene has Vin Diesel talking about gathering his crew, and he's doing it while staring out at the mountains and trying to sound like a bad ass the entire time. Another scene, where the Rock and Diesel first meet and Rock wants to take him in, Diesel says something to the equivalent of "what you going to do, tough guy? You going to take me in? Well, guess what? This isn't American anymore, padre! THEES EES BRRAA SEEEL!" at which point a bunch of gangsters point there guns at The Rock. This scene is ridiculous for two points. First of all, The Rock is a cop, and he's not there by himself; he has his whole squad with him, including a few Brazilian cops. If the gangsters were to actually blast The Rock, they would have a fiasco the size of the Titanic on their hands, not to mention Vin Diesel and his crew. Secondly, is Brazil really that much of a rogue country, with outlaws ruling the streets? And does it take pride in it? I don't know, but you would think they were in a lawless land of thugs and criminals the entire time you watched the film. I've seen City of God, I know of the crime in Brazil, but are the cops really so ineffective that if they see a crime occur right in front of them they are powerless to stop it? It makes me wonder.

I could get into the physics of two cars carrying around a heavy safe, but it's not worth it. I'd be extremely pedantic if I tried to pull off anything like that with a brainless film like this.

I'm not saying it's a terrible movie, but it isn't exactly something I'd watch again. It was just boring and appeared to appeal to a different demographic than the one I belong. If you like this genre, which I thought I did, go for it. Just too much talking for my action movie taste.

Rating: 1.75 out of 5 stars